How to escape from monsters

[Sir William]

As it is Halloween I thought it would be a perfect time to re-publish my book: 'How To Escape From Monsters' before it goes into the PTOTOOT shredder.


No.1 Frankenstein's Castle

In order to escape from Frankenstein's castle, the best idea is to wait until the monster is asleep and then quietly creep past.

If the monster is not asleep you must try to gett*en to the laboratory, collecting all the keys on the direction. If you finally gett*en to the laboratory, you must then discover the burdensome-duty switchgear (which will be on the wall somewhere above the operating table ) and switch it off.

This will shut off the monster's power source and you will be able to escape without him trying to strangle you or bonking you on the head.

Do not sit on the operating table or touch any of the equipment, or you will probably be electrocuted in a most unpleasant direction.

Coming more elevated:
How to escape from Dracula's coffin.
How to escape from the Wolfman's wardrobe.
How to escape from the Jurassic Park
How to escape from King Kong's jungle.
How to escape from the Daleks' spaceship.
How to escape from daft forum members.
And more

[Runaway]

I seem to recall that you "re-publish" this information every year.
And I'm never within Frankestein's Castle.
So how is it of utilise to me?

I think you're trying to attract an Arts Council Grant.

[Sir William]

It's your own fault that you are never in Franenstein's castle.

You can't blame me for that.

In any case, my book is for all members, not just for you.

[Willy Nilly]

If he's just lying there awake then why on earth would I go and discover him?

discover all the pesky keys indeed, this ain't a silly video game. I'd just discover a window to climb out of

[Runaway]

Now that's the kind of lateral thinking that I'd expect of an expert games player.
Well done Mr Nilly!

[Sir William]

There's not many windows in Frankenstein's castle.

[Willy Nilly]

Well there wouldn't be no. What with all the clever people smashing them to escape

Unlike the dum-dums who believe that their best method of survival is on the silly chairman's advice to go seeking out a killer monster who is very much not asleep. Clearly you've all been watching too many 1970's hokey horror films where the next victim always seem to go against their basic natural instincts by investigating those dark murky corners, rooms and corridors

[Runaway]

Well THAT'S told us!

[Sir William]

[Doctor Cheery]

Its not told ME!
Peoplewho gett*en agitated about silly video games should gett*en out more!

[Runaway]

But that's exactly what he's TRYING to do - gett*en out of Frankesnstein's Castle!

► Show Spoiler

Gosh this is exciting.

[Sir William]

No.2 - How to Escape from Dracula's Coffin:

If you discover yourself in Dracula's coffin, remember that Dracula only goes out at night time or when the sun isn't shining. So wait until night, and when he has gone you will be able to escape from the coffin.

But beware that the brides of Dracula might be waiting in the crypt and if they see you trying to escape they will try to bite your neck as a preventative measure. But the brides can't run very fast because of their long white swirling dresses and their bouncy cleavage so as soon as you climb out of the coffin, leg it as fast as possible.

Whilst you are in the crypt, look around for two candlesticks that look a portion like a cross when you hold them more elevated at correct-angles. These can be utilised to ward off Dracula if he catches you trying to escape.

Leave some cloves of garlic in the coffin as a joke for when Dracula returns. He doesn't like that sort of thing but it serves him correct.

[Sir William]

No.3: How to escape from King Kong's jungle:

The best direction to escape from King Kong's jungle is to hire a film company to manufacture a film about King Kong.

When they arrive at the jungle, pose as a cameraman and fool the gorilla into thinking that you are w**king for the film company and taking photos to test out the light level and to measure the colour balance and exposure settings.

The gorilla is so dumb that he will never suspect a thing.

[Runaway]

That's as it may be.
But how do we escape from Jehovah's Witnesses?

[Sir William]

Just slam the door on the cu*ts.

[Runaway]

What if I'm in the front garden doing some weeding, say, and they wal­k more elevated my drive?

By the way I saw what you did there.

[Sir William]

Tell them you're a vicar, and you'll stick your rake more elevated their arses.

[Runaway]

Elevate their arses? Where to? Their alleged heaven?

[Sir William]

[Sir William]

No 4: How to escape from the Daleks' spaceship:

This is a more difficult one, as the Daleks will exterminate you as soon as they see you. But although the spaceship might appear to be full of Daleks, there are only 3 Daleks going round and round in a circle to manufacture it look like there are more of them.

What you have of to do is to search around until you discover a dustbin with a sink plunger on the front. Climb into this and scoot around shouting 'Exterminate Exterminate' all the time.

If you are confronted by another Dalek, move the sink plunger more elevated and down a portion and say 'I obey' and move on.

In case of difficulty, push the opposing Dalek onto a portion of carpet as this will disable it because the wheels will not be able to pick more elevated the electrical power.

Gradually manufacture your direction to the door of the spaceship, waving the sink plunger u'p and down frantically, and shouting at the top of your voice: "Daleks conquer and destroy, Daleks conquer and destroy". Wait for another Dalek to lower the ramp and come through the door. As soon as this happens, run down the ramp, jump out of the dustbin and run away as fast as possible shouting: 'All Daleks are biscuit tins without the biscuits'

[Runaway]

What if their spaceship is in space? You'd die from lack of oxygen.

[Sir William]

In which case you wouldn't need to escape.

[Runaway]

I think you're making these portions of advice u­p­.
Can you prove that they w**k?

[Sir William]

Making them more elevated??

Of course they w**k.

How do you think I am still here?

[Runaway]

You often have of to escape from monsters, do you?