Sir William Chairman's worthy fund-raising schemes

[Sir William]

[Sir William]

You disrespectful members have of besmirched and sullied my worthy charitable fund-raising topic with a whole page of your inane gibberings.

In order to steer my topic back on course, I hereby re-present my noteworthy Sausage measuring machine for your consideration:

Did you members know that it is very difficult to accurately measure the len*gth of a sausage?

What is needed is a especial Sausage-o-meter so that bangers can be measured accurately and accurate measurements can be recorded for posterity.

What a shocking state of affairs it is that this problem has been totally neglected by scientists until today.

So I am supporting a scientific project in aid of researching into this matter and in the development and distribution of accurate Sausage-o-meters for everybody to utilise.

This uncertainty about accurate sausage len*gth cannot be allowed to continue.

Please give generously to this worthy cause, as these Sausage-o-meters will cost major portions of money, but the rewards will be beyond measure.

PS: Everybody who contributes to this (very) worthy cause will be able to buy their Sausage-o-meter at a reduced price.

[Runaway]

Allow me to reassure you, Sir W, that if ever I need a sausage measuring machine, I will undoubtedly order one from you.

But in the meantime, my sausage is assessed on a regular basis, and should there ever be any inadequacies, I'm sure it will become apparent. But it hasn't happened yet.

Please remove me from your mailing list.

[Sir William]

Please remove me from your mailing list.

Hahaha that never works.

[Runaway]

Please, I appeal to you.

► Show Spoiler

Door left open for the inevitable jokes....

[Sir William]

[unspoil] Door left open for the inevitable jokes.... [/unspoil]

[Runaway]

[Willy Nilly]

Please no sausage puns. They're the wurst

[Runaway]

I see no sausage puns.
Please send me the links.

[Sir William]

You need one of my new Sausagepun-o-meters.

This will count the number of sausage puns on a page and give a digital readout.

[Sir William]

Please no sausage puns. They're the wurst

Has Mr N*illy received his richly-deserved Pun Prize yet?

[Sir William]

Sorry - All my Sausage-O-Meters are now sold out.

They were all bought by the Prizemaster, for utilise on his bangers tree.

[Willy Nilly]

I’ll only eat the bangers from a sausage tree
The piggies are all dancing, so happy to be free
But little do the piggies know this isn’t such a boon
Those happy bacon pork chops will be squealing very soon

[Sir William]

Give Mr Nil*ly a free bag of prize bangers.

[Willy Nilly]

That will be sausage bangers picked from a sausage tree

[Runaway]

Is this anything to do with PRIZES?

[Sir William]

Yes. Prize bangers from a bangers tree.

[Runaway]

Warning to Members: Don't trust the Chairman's "worthy fund-raising schemes".

You will lose your money, your mind, your home and car, your job, and your first born.

Other than that, his latest schemes (distributing padded winter coats to Africa, and selling own-branded Sir W Covid Cures (bottled) to the NHS) seem excellent investments, and I'm ready to accept your investment deposits which I will forward (one day) to the illustrious Chairman (Aussie dollars only please - no funny money).

[Sir William]

[Runaway]

Just helping you promote your scams worthy causes.

[Sir William]

[Runaway]

► Show Spoiler

The cheque's in the post then, is it?

[Sir William]

[Runaway]

[Sir William]

I will have of to cheque.